the Life and Times of Warrior Woman

blonde recluse. nihilarian pronk.

Archive for December 2012

2012, year in review.

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I hesitated (still am) writing this post, because a) there’s little to be said about 2012; b) all that can be said will probably make me sound like an attention-seeking self-pity-wallowing defeatist.  But, this really was my life in 2012, and if shortened, it can be summed up in just few short statements.

January; a quiet New Year celebration with grandmother and mother, which proved to be the last one for them.

February; mum’s tomography, MRI, first surgery.

March; mum’s diagnosis, second admission to hospital, daily severe pains back home.

April; admission to a private hospital, second very successful surgery, temporary happiness, diagnosis confirmation, grandmother’s illness worsens.

May; post-injection abscess, daily hospital visits, grandmother gets admitted to hospital, has surgery, has second surgery, dies.

June; grandmother’s funeral, mother’s illness progressing.

July; mother’s third surgery, not as successful as first, speech problems, depression.

August; mother keeps going, speech problem escalates, vision begins to deteriorate.

September; mum’s last birthday celebration.

October; rushing to Turkey for treatment, treatment in Turkey.

November; treatment in Turkey, temporary improvement, flight back home, mum dies, mum’s funeral.

December; trying to find ground again, hoping praying begging for 2013 to be kinder.

There were other happenings and goings-on, of course; but, as I’m sure you understand, everything else pales and moves to background.

I want to write goals for 2013, because there’s so much I want to do, so much I want to become.  But I’m terrified.  I wrote plans and goals for 2012, you know.  I even got a job, and made a whompingly huge amount of money in a month.

And now I’m here, and the two people I love most are dead, and I’m constantly afraid for the fate for the other two people I love.

But life goes on.  And my mother always pushed me and wanted me to be whatever I want to be, as long as it makes me happy, and as long as I don’t stop, don’t become paralysed by fear of inadequacy or failure.  So I need to do that.  Need to push myself forward and run, not walk, towards my goals.

Before I begin sounding like a cliché motivational speech, I’d better wrap this post.

Written by Alexandra

30 December 2012 at 6:12 pm

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Not for the faint at heart; Meth’s devastating effects: before and after.

Rare color photos from 1930s-40s.

31 days to a fitter, healthier you; I’m thinking of writing these ideas down and implementing them all through January.  See if it really makes me fitter and healthier.

An interview with Keira Knightley; it always amazes me how intelligent and thoughtful this woman is.  Here’s another interview, promoting Anna Karenina.

Keira Knightley: Diary from Chad.

How I Made the Escape; Sarah shared this back in May, but I’m only now catching up on things.  It’s worth a read, and very inspiring if you’ve been working on a big goal.

2012: the year of the dumb blockbuster.

Written by Alexandra

30 December 2012 at 3:51 pm

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i quit the brew of gods.

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Later on I will talk at large about my gallbladder (because everyone wants to know about it, I’m sure), but right now I’m just going to mention it in the subject of coffee, weight, goals, and being very particular about our requests to God, Universe, or self.

See, for years now I’ve been trying to quit coffee.  If you search through the archives of my old blog (or through this blog’s archives once I’m done manually importing each entry), the subject pops up with admirable regularity.  And I’d manage to quit coffee, of course.  But then I’d relapse like nobody’s business, and end up doubling the dose.  When I first wanted to quit coffee, I was drinking 3-5 cups (cups) a day.  When I announced my last attempt, it was 4-5 mugs a day.  And when I actually had to stop drinking coffee lest I want to live without severe pain, I was having 5-6 mugs a day, with double, and sometimes triple, dose the coffee I’d usually put.

So.

I got what I wished for.  I quit coffee.  Gallbladder stones and coffee (decaf, instant, weaker than tea – it doesn’t matter) absolutely don’t get along.  I had to go cold turkey – and let me tell you, I still want to shoot my brother in the buttock when I make him a cup.

Now for weight.  I’ve wanted to lose weight ever since I fell into depression over a very silly, but back then very unrequited and very painful, love, and, surely to entertain myself, started eating four slices of bread covered in a thick layer of mayo as a snack.  Three times a day.

I went from 54 kg to 110 in a rather short amount of time.

I’d always make this decision to start losing weight.  I’d lose some.  Then something would happen, and I’d gain it back.

Then I’d lost 15 kg when I first found out about my mother’s diagnosis and eventually lost my grandmother.  Then I gained 7 of it back, because after third surgery mum would do a lot of cooking.  And she’d always been an amazing cook, but during the last months of her life it was something else entirely.  It was delicious, and with the grace of God I hope to one day be able to recreate some of the dishes she’d just throw together on the go.  Unfortunately, there are no written notes for all but two.

Then, when I lost mum, I started losing weight again.

Then, a week ago I had yet another spell of the gallbladder shabang.

Since that fateful day I’ve lost approximately 4 kilogrammes.

And I will lose more, because when the illness escalates, I have to hold a very strict diet.  (I have to hold a very strict diet for the rest of my life, but after these bouts it’s even stricter for about two weeks.)  I cannot starve, because this will make the disease worse, but there’s only a very select number of things I can eat, and I can’t eat large portions, rather, small portions every 2-3 hours of the awake time.

So I will lose more weight.

And I am not drinking coffee.

So I got what I was asking for, but the way is a bit backwards, because I guess I couldn’t do it otherwise.

What I’m trying to say, it’s best to do things in life without the divine kick in the butt, because the divine kicks intensely.

Written by Alexandra

29 December 2012 at 9:05 pm

loneliness.

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Back when Musya and I were the sole occupants of this flat, she would often have epic encounters with the pigeon I fed on the outside of my kitchen window.  Below is a series of photographs taken in November 2006.

And when I’d be busy with something and the pigeon wouldn’t come, Musya would get lonely and patiently sit on the windowsill, waiting for the pigeon’s arrival.
I love my kitties.  I haven’t moved yet, but I already miss them.
 
(This was originally posted on my old personal blog on 01 March 2010.)

Written by Alexandra

23 December 2012 at 12:11 am

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Things I’ve learned; Pioneer Woman writes on losing her grandmother. 

Just because she’s drunk, doesn’t mean she wants to fuck; is a photoset on tumblr.  Powerful and always – always – relevant.

Euphemistic Language quote; don’t forget to watch the video too.

The #1 career mistake capable people make; an interesting article, which led me to another interesting article, linked below.

The slightly painful truth is, at any one time there is only one piece of real estate we can "own" in another person’s mind. People can’t think of us as a project manager, professor, attorney, insurance agent, editor and entrepreneur all at exactly the same time. They may all be true about us but people can only think of us as one thing first.

The disciplined pursuit of less.

10 simple things to make you happier at home;  I liked this article so much, I’m considering turning it into a sort of a course for self.  Take one action a week, implement, see how much it changes my overall mood.

Stop being ashamed of your dreams; I needed to read this.

Written by Alexandra

23 December 2012 at 12:07 am

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i love you, nature.

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(This post has originally appeared on my olden personal blog, on 02 January 2012.)

I’ve written the perfect to-do list for today — adequate, prioritised, and short enough to complete in 24 hours (sleep included).  Sometimes, though, my time is not fully mine, and what was supposed to be a 3-hour trip ended up being a 10-hour one.

I was going to skip posting today altogether, but then this happened.

 
Pictures SOOC.

Written by Alexandra

21 December 2012 at 12:53 am

a walk in the first serious snow of the year.

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It’s been winter wonderland around here, with the added reality of ice patches, people snowed in at home, or worse, people snowed in on the road, broken arms and hips, and hungry animals.

Nevertheless, I love snow as I’ve the privilege of a warm house and winter boots.  So I took my camera out for its first ever winter walk.

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But first I took realistic, not golden light, photos of the balcony my brother had to clean from all the snow, lest it begins melting, then freezes overnight, and I break my neck when taking a peek outside.

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Heroically, he did it with a pink kitten litter scoop.  It took him some time.

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Written by Alexandra

19 December 2012 at 3:20 pm