the Life and Times of Warrior Woman

blonde recluse. nihilarian pronk.

Posts Tagged ‘grandmother

2012, year in review.

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I hesitated (still am) writing this post, because a) there’s little to be said about 2012; b) all that can be said will probably make me sound like an attention-seeking self-pity-wallowing defeatist.  But, this really was my life in 2012, and if shortened, it can be summed up in just few short statements.

January; a quiet New Year celebration with grandmother and mother, which proved to be the last one for them.

February; mum’s tomography, MRI, first surgery.

March; mum’s diagnosis, second admission to hospital, daily severe pains back home.

April; admission to a private hospital, second very successful surgery, temporary happiness, diagnosis confirmation, grandmother’s illness worsens.

May; post-injection abscess, daily hospital visits, grandmother gets admitted to hospital, has surgery, has second surgery, dies.

June; grandmother’s funeral, mother’s illness progressing.

July; mother’s third surgery, not as successful as first, speech problems, depression.

August; mother keeps going, speech problem escalates, vision begins to deteriorate.

September; mum’s last birthday celebration.

October; rushing to Turkey for treatment, treatment in Turkey.

November; treatment in Turkey, temporary improvement, flight back home, mum dies, mum’s funeral.

December; trying to find ground again, hoping praying begging for 2013 to be kinder.

There were other happenings and goings-on, of course; but, as I’m sure you understand, everything else pales and moves to background.

I want to write goals for 2013, because there’s so much I want to do, so much I want to become.  But I’m terrified.  I wrote plans and goals for 2012, you know.  I even got a job, and made a whompingly huge amount of money in a month.

And now I’m here, and the two people I love most are dead, and I’m constantly afraid for the fate for the other two people I love.

But life goes on.  And my mother always pushed me and wanted me to be whatever I want to be, as long as it makes me happy, and as long as I don’t stop, don’t become paralysed by fear of inadequacy or failure.  So I need to do that.  Need to push myself forward and run, not walk, towards my goals.

Before I begin sounding like a cliché motivational speech, I’d better wrap this post.

Written by Alexandra

30 December 2012 at 6:12 pm

grinders and grief.

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How long does grieving last?  I have a nudge that it lasts as long as the grieving person is able to retain memory of the person gone.

I needed a coffee grinder today, for a recipe disaster that I will share later.  I took it from the top shelf and removed the lid.  There it was.  The last tiny teaspoon of coffee my grandmother ever ground.  She loved coffee, and she was great at tassology.  Her heart was weak, so she would only allow herself one small cup of instant coffee with milk in the morning, and maybe a tiny-tiny cup of Turkish-style coffee, on those days where she’d opt for tea in the morning.

I smiled at my discovery and immediately added this small teaspoon of grounds to coffee pot, followed by a couple more spoons and water.  I made three cups of coffee (one very weak) to share with mother and brother.

The least I could do in remembrance of my grandmother.  She was a great woman, and I love her very much.

coffee grinder edit

Written by Alexandra

28 July 2012 at 7:16 pm

i wanted to write about grief, but words just don’t come.

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I was looking through old text messages on my phone, deleting the unnecessary ones.  A simple one from my cousin triggered a wave of grief.  Feels like it’s been written a long time ago, but it’s probably no more than a month or a month and a half.  It was a short question about how my grandmother was feeling that day.

Today is the 22nd day since my grandmother died.  I’ve started reading Psalms for her yesterday, one kathisma a day.  Psalms are difficult for me, even the ones that I try to include in my daily prayer rule.  I am very afraid I won’t be able to keep up, but with God’s help I’ll try.

Written by Alexandra

21 June 2012 at 7:31 am