the Life and Times of Warrior Woman

blonde recluse. nihilarian pronk.

Posts Tagged ‘me me me

bells, cats, blogs.

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I’ve been up since 03:30, to both watch the American football match (rather, to keep him company as he watches) and to fix my sleeping schedule.  If I wake up after 11:00, I’m not productive at all, and this is what I’ve been doing for the past few months – waking up after 11.  Today I hope to go to bed by 20, and be up by 6.  I usually need much less sleep, but right now I’m giving allowances for the perpetually cold flat and my very, very thin blanket.

My cats have been unhappy with me lately.  I can see it in their demeanour, which is a very posh way of saying that they shit & piss on the floors liberally these days & drop stuff from shelves and tables to the ground too many times to mention.  Even though I am mostly at home, I don’t spend enough time just sitting with them.  They miss human interaction, I guess.  Back when there were three of us cat ladies, they could choose a human and go sit in their lap for a bit.  Now there’s only one of me, and while I try to pay attention to them all, yesterday I’ve realised that I haven’t as much as picked Musya off the ground for about a week.

6th was mum’s 40 day memorial service.  7th, yesterday, was a very unfestive and unproductive Christmas.

It’s the day after Christmas today (also my father’s birthday), and the city is still empty. Yesterday was glorious, but I didn’t go out. Today there are more cars and more people, but not much more. I’m going to go out in a few hours to church and take a walk around the park afterwards. The bells have already called for service, but I’m going to come in afterwards.

I’m doing a bit of background works on ye olden blogs. Nothing major, just things that will, with hope, help me keep things more organised and, as a result, post more frequently. Right now I’m ~90% sure that I will move this log to my underused main domain & 30% sure that I’ll merge it with my financial & household drivel blog.

Blogs blogs blogs.

Either that, or I’ll start a fifth one, because I don’t really like 4 as a number.

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Written by Alexandra

8 January 2013 at 7:18 am

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2013, goals.

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I already wrote my reading & watching goals, my financial goals, and my style goals.  Now it’s high time I post more serious life goals, because I sure as hell don’t want to be sitting in a clean house with my nails done, reading glorified romance novels, thinking of all that could’ve been.

I tried separating this list into vague categories of me, home, career, peace/ contentment, and big fat loads of cash, but then I decided it’s easier to just write a list of them all, since they’re all connected to me anyway.

0.  Refer to past plans for 2012, complete things that are still relevant.

1.  Go back to uni to second year in English major, and to first and second in Psychology; successfully transfer to third year in both.  Get decent marks, pass all exams, don’t drop out.

While I’m at it, I might as well calculate all the money I’ve pathetically wasted since 2001, all for the sake of trying to get a formal education.  Pretty sure my nail polish addiction is child’s play in comparison.

2.  Start choir again.  Depending on money and university, start private vocal and piano lessons.

I really like choir.  I really like singing in general.  Too bad my voice isn’t strong enough to consider a career.

3.  Regardless of whether I’ll be getting private lessons, relearn piano to the level I’ve been at when I stopped.

Music calms me & lets me shut my mind off for a bit.  I’d really like to add violin to that, but I fear brother will hang me on a string and spear me with a bow if I try, so let’s leave this for now.

4.  Take long walks every day.  Length will be dependent on how busy I’ll be on a particular day, but at least 30 minutes daily is a must.

As this is early morning 1 January 2013 I’m posting this, without having slept yet, it’s going to be interesting keeping this resolution today, but I will do my best.

5.  Be able to do five pull-ups by the end of the year.  And not just puny half ones either.  Full, honest to God pull-ups.

The abs resolution remains, but it’s covered in past goals.

6.  Stop sharing a watered-down version of self online.  I should either stop sharing completely, or just share.

This is a general "umbrella" goal for all the things I want to do online, like, for example, a better representation of self on social networks.  Which sounds all majestic, but boils down to the simple question of, "Do I need a Google+ account if I never bleeding use it?", or, "How on God’s green earth do I get more than one follower on Youtube?"

I have also aggregated a decent number of domains, even though I’ve always feared of being one of those people, with eight hundred domain names.  I currently have four, and how many of them do I actually use?  Puny contents of smthntrl don’t count; so the answer is, nil.

For a goal to really be a goal, I need to speak in precise numbers.  I might induce some laughs, but here goes the "subscriber number wishlist"

  • pinterest — 150
  • twitter — 200
  • youtube — 30
  • flickr — 300 (this is higher than the rest, because apparently 80 people subscribe to my photo feed already)
  • smthntrl — 150 subscribers // 10000 monthly page views (apparently there’s a month when I’ve reached 1062, and I haven’t even posted once that month)
  • household experiment — 150 subscribers // 3000 monthly page views
  • inner moldova — 150
  • this place — 150

"This place" needs some thinking.  I might move the sucker back to my first domain.

I’m so fickle.  No wonder my stats are so damn low.

Anyway, further list:

  • zazzle — 150 sales
  • redbubble — 30 sales

150 on zazzle is pushing it greatly, as it’s a little over 2 sales a day, and I’ve only sold, how many, 7 things?  I opened that account in 2008, I think.  And there’s not a single sale on redbubble to date, so 30 sales is a great big scary goal.

7.  Pass IELTS. 

I talked to brother, and he says the most convenient time would be the one on 27 April 2013, with registration closing on 22 March 2013.  I’m a bit dependent on brother here, as I have to go to another country to pass the test, and it’s always more fun with someone else.  Though of course I can always go alone, by train.

Anyway, the thing with IELTS, I am yet unsure how much I have to study for this thing.  I mean, I speak English fluently, no problem, but these standard tests are always a bit of a bitch.

8.  Don’t stop writing.

This is yet another vague goal, but I’m keeping it this way on purpose.  For 2013 I’m not setting any numbers.  I really just don’t want to stop writing.  Writing is the second thing after music that helps me clear my mind.  If I lose it, then I’ll lose it.

9.  Draw 12 things; paint 6 things.

10.  Write in my handwritten journal daily.  No need to be eloquent, two short sentences about weather will do.

And this is all I’m comfortable sharing at the moment.

Written by Alexandra

1 January 2013 at 4:32 am

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2012, year in review.

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I hesitated (still am) writing this post, because a) there’s little to be said about 2012; b) all that can be said will probably make me sound like an attention-seeking self-pity-wallowing defeatist.  But, this really was my life in 2012, and if shortened, it can be summed up in just few short statements.

January; a quiet New Year celebration with grandmother and mother, which proved to be the last one for them.

February; mum’s tomography, MRI, first surgery.

March; mum’s diagnosis, second admission to hospital, daily severe pains back home.

April; admission to a private hospital, second very successful surgery, temporary happiness, diagnosis confirmation, grandmother’s illness worsens.

May; post-injection abscess, daily hospital visits, grandmother gets admitted to hospital, has surgery, has second surgery, dies.

June; grandmother’s funeral, mother’s illness progressing.

July; mother’s third surgery, not as successful as first, speech problems, depression.

August; mother keeps going, speech problem escalates, vision begins to deteriorate.

September; mum’s last birthday celebration.

October; rushing to Turkey for treatment, treatment in Turkey.

November; treatment in Turkey, temporary improvement, flight back home, mum dies, mum’s funeral.

December; trying to find ground again, hoping praying begging for 2013 to be kinder.

There were other happenings and goings-on, of course; but, as I’m sure you understand, everything else pales and moves to background.

I want to write goals for 2013, because there’s so much I want to do, so much I want to become.  But I’m terrified.  I wrote plans and goals for 2012, you know.  I even got a job, and made a whompingly huge amount of money in a month.

And now I’m here, and the two people I love most are dead, and I’m constantly afraid for the fate for the other two people I love.

But life goes on.  And my mother always pushed me and wanted me to be whatever I want to be, as long as it makes me happy, and as long as I don’t stop, don’t become paralysed by fear of inadequacy or failure.  So I need to do that.  Need to push myself forward and run, not walk, towards my goals.

Before I begin sounding like a cliché motivational speech, I’d better wrap this post.

Written by Alexandra

30 December 2012 at 6:12 pm

i quit the brew of gods.

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Later on I will talk at large about my gallbladder (because everyone wants to know about it, I’m sure), but right now I’m just going to mention it in the subject of coffee, weight, goals, and being very particular about our requests to God, Universe, or self.

See, for years now I’ve been trying to quit coffee.  If you search through the archives of my old blog (or through this blog’s archives once I’m done manually importing each entry), the subject pops up with admirable regularity.  And I’d manage to quit coffee, of course.  But then I’d relapse like nobody’s business, and end up doubling the dose.  When I first wanted to quit coffee, I was drinking 3-5 cups (cups) a day.  When I announced my last attempt, it was 4-5 mugs a day.  And when I actually had to stop drinking coffee lest I want to live without severe pain, I was having 5-6 mugs a day, with double, and sometimes triple, dose the coffee I’d usually put.

So.

I got what I wished for.  I quit coffee.  Gallbladder stones and coffee (decaf, instant, weaker than tea – it doesn’t matter) absolutely don’t get along.  I had to go cold turkey – and let me tell you, I still want to shoot my brother in the buttock when I make him a cup.

Now for weight.  I’ve wanted to lose weight ever since I fell into depression over a very silly, but back then very unrequited and very painful, love, and, surely to entertain myself, started eating four slices of bread covered in a thick layer of mayo as a snack.  Three times a day.

I went from 54 kg to 110 in a rather short amount of time.

I’d always make this decision to start losing weight.  I’d lose some.  Then something would happen, and I’d gain it back.

Then I’d lost 15 kg when I first found out about my mother’s diagnosis and eventually lost my grandmother.  Then I gained 7 of it back, because after third surgery mum would do a lot of cooking.  And she’d always been an amazing cook, but during the last months of her life it was something else entirely.  It was delicious, and with the grace of God I hope to one day be able to recreate some of the dishes she’d just throw together on the go.  Unfortunately, there are no written notes for all but two.

Then, when I lost mum, I started losing weight again.

Then, a week ago I had yet another spell of the gallbladder shabang.

Since that fateful day I’ve lost approximately 4 kilogrammes.

And I will lose more, because when the illness escalates, I have to hold a very strict diet.  (I have to hold a very strict diet for the rest of my life, but after these bouts it’s even stricter for about two weeks.)  I cannot starve, because this will make the disease worse, but there’s only a very select number of things I can eat, and I can’t eat large portions, rather, small portions every 2-3 hours of the awake time.

So I will lose more weight.

And I am not drinking coffee.

So I got what I was asking for, but the way is a bit backwards, because I guess I couldn’t do it otherwise.

What I’m trying to say, it’s best to do things in life without the divine kick in the butt, because the divine kicks intensely.

Written by Alexandra

29 December 2012 at 9:05 pm

the archived plans.

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I was digging through my old blog (here, if you wanna take a look at it; plan on converting it to an exclusively *~*style and beauty*~* endeavour, so that here I could focus on words and photography), and stumbled upon my quarterly plans which I diligently wrote up till the misfortune that befell my family so suddenly.

I am still quite afraid to plan, but with these I come from the bizarre logic that they were written before.  So I’m not exactly planning anything new, rather, trying to get my life in order and tie any loose ends.

Below is the list of all the plans, merged into one monster of a list, with my commentary.  It’s long and boring to anyone but me and those of us who love lists.  I didn’t even bother copying them in order I wrote them, nor prioritising. 

Some of these have been completed, I’ve kept them, with comments, for posterity.  Others have become obsolete, sadly.  They are there too, with notice.  There are repeats, but I think I managed to catch most of them.  Should I become brave enough to come up with new plans for 2013, I’ll share them closer to the New Year.

So, the cut.

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Written by Alexandra

6 December 2012 at 1:51 pm

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ten days.

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I wrote the post about my cat on Saturday, and Sunday, late at night, I was with my mother at Istanbul.  Ever since I wrote that post things moved very fast, but, judging by my mother’s condition, they weren’t fast enough.

Wednesday will mark our 10 days in Istanbul.  During this time we moved into the flat which is to be our home for the next couple of weeks.  I went back home for one night, and before that cousin flew over to stay with us for a while.

My poor mum can’t sit without our help, walk in any way or form, and she can barely talk.  It depresses her greatly, and I am running out of reassurances.  I just pray to God that she will start feeling better as treatment truly begins to work.

Cousin and I are adjusting to our new temporary way of life.

I want to write about my impressions of the city.  I will, but not tonight.

Every night, I am tired.

Written by Alexandra

15 October 2012 at 9:09 pm

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dislocation.

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My mum’s and mine visit to the British Embassy Wednesday this week was not a success.  While our documents were all in order, the wait for a stamped passport is too long, and there’s no guarantee the visa will be issued.  I do not have the luxury of waiting, so my mother and I will be flying to a visa-free country for mum’s treatment.  It will be either Turkey (more than likely), or Israel (father insists).

There is a lot of unfinished business, and some things (like household chores) just keep piling up.  Some cats need to be taken to the vet to be neutered and spayed, and also to have some other health issues resolved.  I need (really, really need) a new pair of trousers and a pair of shoes, and maybe one shirt.  Mother can do with a new shirt.  I need to get some necessities (decaf tea and coffee, fruit sugar, unopened bottles of shampoo and conditioner) as I have no idea when I’ll be able to really do a shopping spree in Istanbul or wherever it is we’ll end up.

I need to find foster homes for cats, or arrange a cat hotel stay for them, which is a bit out of my budget, but what needs to be done, will get done.

I need to pack some entertainment in Russian, for mother.

I need to learn some Turkish (or Hebrew) phrases.

I need to arrange some groceries for brother.

I need to ensure bills will be paid while we’re gone.

I need to buy flight tickets.

I’m forgetting a lot of things right now, but really, this is not a thorough or even partial list, it’s just some ramble to clear my mind a bit until I start with the chores again.

I just really hope this’ll work, you know.

Written by Alexandra

5 October 2012 at 5:14 pm

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